Panels & Pizza and a brand new year

I am a self defeatist.

I just am.

I was raised this way... and despite, over time, becoming aware of my tendencies to belittle myself and any abilities I may or may not have... to procrastinate to the point of utter and complete inactivity at the fear of the project inevitably not going to be any good anyway... and my constant need for outside validation for me to think I have any worth... despite being aware, after 30 some years that I myself am my own worst enemy and biggest obstacle, I can't stop doing it. I am unable to get out of my own way.

The reason I bring this up, is not for sympathy... at least I don't intend it to be, but for full disclosure as to why I struggle to put out more content. To explain why I take so long to draw and put out the Bullet Face books and webcomic... not only to whoever reads this and is interested... perhaps dealing with a similar situation themselves, but also to myself. 

I recently did my first podcast. Panels & Pizza with Adam Vermillion on www.fancypantsgansters.com

It was a really good experience to have (the Pizza at Broders Cucina Italiana was DELICIOUS! As everything there is) and Adam is a super nice guy. 

After it was over though, I kept beating myself up over it. I kept rethinking everything I said, and thought how stupid I had sounded. I regretted the way I had answered almost every question. I was running thru all of the ways I had sounded like an idiot, and of all the things I had wanted to talk about and had left out because of my ineptitude... and in all of these disparaging, self-destructive thoughts... one thing had stood out... I dodged the question of why I couldn't have superhero comics. 

Now, the reason I couldn't have superhero comics is the very same reason that I think I'm worthless... the reason I can never be good enough and one of the reasons, to this day, I struggle to even try. 

I was raised alone with a single mother. Just her, I, and my little sister. My mom was, and is, a religious fanatic. I don't blame the religion, she was going to be that way whatever the religion was, but growing up... I couldn't have any friends in school, they were bad association and going to die... I couldn't watch T.V. shows like Star Trek and Alf because aliens weren't created by god, so they must be a conceit of the devil... I had to sit in the hallway alone and ostracized during many events including the reading, daily, of Mrs. Piggle Wiggle in the second grade, and kids would walk by and laugh and talk about me... I wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend at ANY point in my life before 18, and even then, only if I was capable of marrying her on the spot... There are many, many, many.. many other things but I don't have energy or desire to stir them all up. Lastly though, when I got to the age of buying things for myself... any music cassette, books or comics that I had, were searched out when I was at school and destroyed, ripped to shreds, tapes cracked in half and the spools unthreaded and laid out waiting for me to come home and see, when I would be told that she had prayed, and God had TOLD her that I hidden ungodly things like Spider-Man, Batman and Sade in my room.

All of this was being done, by the way, while being smacked around... beaten with wooden spoons on the knuckles and the skull... being told I and my sister were idiots, stupid, and many other mentally and verbally damaging insults... and doing punishments like, standing in the corner jumping on one leg when we were allowed to have someone of the same religion over, who often, not surprisingly, didn't want to come over and would try to get her to allow us to go to their house instead. 

Anyway, I had a point... and I had wanted to get to it and bring it all around to trying to get over the past, trying to better myself, trying to discover and acknowledge my worth and not regress over and over to my programing as a youth... but, I'm afraid I'm out of energy for now and can only say, here's hoping it's a good year and I can do things that make myself and others happy.

Carlito Q.